i've kept quiet about so many things, not discussing the things that have been bogging my mind down, and letting everything cumulate to a point where i can't focus on doing the things my brain is supposed to be placing emphasis on, especially at this crucial point in time.

i think it is time for me to say, i am tired.

i'm tired of people assuming that i'll always be there to do little things for them, like looking after things, tidying things up, settling things they find too trivial or "small" for them to waste time on themselves, because they have better things to do like study (which I apparently don't, you know).

i'm tired of people whom i once considered my friends coming up to me, making me think they actually had the intention of creating conversation, when in reality they just wanted a favour from me. As usual. Because i'm always there.

by the way, i am and will always be a friend to you. the only reason why i say "i once" is because you don't seem to consider me as one. either that or the more accurate word would be "useful acquaintance-turned-friend when in need".

i'm tired of sitting by myself all day and forcing smiles when i come across people, acting like everything's going fine and dandy.
(and i'm tired of being around people who act like I'm invisible, only acknowledging me when they are absolutely forced to. in that case, i'm happier being alone.)

i'm tired of listening to full-of-themselves people complain to me about how utterly shitty their lives are when i can't help but think "if only they knew what was going on in mine."

on the other hand, somewhere in the recesses of my mind a quiet little girl raises her hand and says uncertainly, "although i'd like you to trust me enough to talk to me if you're struggling..." perhaps that we might struggle together, or simply that I might offer a supportive (maybe empathetic?) listening ear to you.

right.

so i'm likely to wake up in the morning and scold myself for publishing this post, at the risk of sounding excessively childish and self-centred (which i'm sure is true but i'll give myself some leeway in the light of my joy at reaching a moment of enlightenment about t-tests.), but what the heck, i've typed so much, might as well.

having discovered my old blog archives, I also realise on hindsight how interestingly my style of writing has changed.

but all that in a week.

hopefully i don't get distracted enough to come here again.

if not i really can kiss my expectations goodbye.